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Repetitious Writings
I'm sorry.

I think I will tell him how I feel soon, but first we need to define our terms.

He makes me feel horny a lot... Warm like waking up in a snuggly blanket and knowing you don't have to get out yet... Intellectually challenged, curious, apprehensive of when he leaves me and how much it would hurt ALREADY, doom
... My own impending doom.

So happy at times I feel like I am about to die and I need to tell everyone.

So shocked that no one else saw the gem of him.

Worried about some of the things he has said of the intellectually disabled. We will need to have a conversation, because... If we have kids there is zero telling of their cognitive potential, and he damn well will have ti be there for that child regardless of how "useful" they might be.

And...I do. Okay? I do want to be a mother. Biologically mine or not, I don't care much about that part. I cry a lot, happy tears. I was ready for a life alone... I had generic plans to save a lot and become a foster parent, to be the cool aunt for my niblings, to keep learning and stay mostly alone. I know... If we break up that I can just return to that, but right now, I keep seeing some of myfuture plans and shoehorning him in, or casting them aside. It's...


Be kind!
Hi Journal.

May was a fail. A big Long Fail. I spent a lot of money, learned very little, achieved no goals. I knew what was happening, I watched it happened, and I kept going. So, for a second time I managed to reach 113.3, and again I ballooned immediately afterwards. I expect that tomorrow morning, I will be at 116 again. I overspent on food by $300, all on fast food.

This will not happen again.

It won't!

So, to celebrate June, today I had a burger from McDonald's, Wendy's, and Burger King.  I felt sick. I powered through.

Tomorrow I begin again. It's okay to fail. I know why I do these things. This time, anyway... my pants were sagging, I can't afford new pants, and I didn't know how to get the sewing machine running. Well, I mean, it turns out I did know, and I will be doing it myself from now on (thanks, Mom!), whether it looks nice or not, it'll look better than wearing bags, and then I'll just have to buy jeans and new shirts... at Savers, probably.

This Month, My goals are as follows:
1. Five nights per week I will spend one hour on one of the following as determined by Random Choice
    * APICS manual
    * weight training
    * Music
    * weight loss class
    * that includes fish
    * doese not include eggs or milk... not this month
4. MEET MY STEP GOAL FOR THE MONTH. That's at least 315,000 steps

I will do post-mortems on LJ every time I get less than an A.

If I meet all goals and get to 110 kg by the end of the month, I get $50 off budget. If I get to 105 by Florida, I get $100. For myself. TO NOT FEEL GUILTY. So there gosh darn it.

Side note: had a meeting at work with big wigs over a sting I brought up. The up-and-ups were being ridiculous. My point, I maintained, was that the way we handle scrapping on MOs meant that we could not justly use End QTYs as a metric for improvement. BLAH ON THEM. I made my point, I expressed specific concerns, and they said they weren't going to change the metrics, instead we have to log all the reasons for failure. WE KNOW THE REASONS FOR FAILURE. 
Be kind!

I did EXTREMELY WELL right up until I got home and made peanut butter cookies.

I put six cookies in the fridge. Then, five minutes later, I took them out of the fridge and shared with Roguey. Because I am stupid.

And now, instead of cleaning my beautiful disgustingly dirty house, I am watching West Wing.

Be kind!
Hi there.

Life update:
Age: 27
Relationship status: if it were a dead body poorly buried there would probably be nothing but bones left.
mental status: Did a stupid thing and stopped taking my meds for no... real reason. Heard something about the efficacy of SSRIs going down, was curious if I had experienced the placebo effect. Turns out I doubt that... will detail at some point.
habitat: live in my parents' basement still.
weight: deathfat
social: have one friend. See her once every six months or so, talk maybe once per month. Often feels like a more one-sided friendship because I'm frequently the one trying to to talk with her.
No more friends from high school.
Haven't gchatted with Pat since ... who knows? This computer sucks, I just spent five minutes trying to find out when we last talked and it freaking wouldn't let me search in Gmail. Whaat? I have decided not to bother messaging him unless he contacts me first.
animals: Rogue is well, Leo is a macaw who will probably outlive me. Sometimes she adores me and sometimes she tries to take my finger off... so it goes well. I miss Bari. It hurts the most when I realize I haven't thought about him in a while. As though that will make any difference. k
Family: Brother and fam lived with us for a while. but they randomly and rather rudely moved out and down to Florida a month early. Miss the kids. Glad their dog is staying with us until they find a permanent residence. He's snuggly. SHH, don't tell his dad he sometimes sleeps on my bed. bit more of a snuggler than Rogue.
Employment: fully employed at a job I like. no raise yet, can't afford to live alone. Parents want to move to Florida so am saving up so I don't have to go with them.
Bank account: mildly in debt. Watch those Amazon rewards credit cards: they are a bit addictive.
Grandparents: None. Lost Gram this fall. Doesn't hurt because she was wasting away for so many years... Alzheimer's. Not pleasant. A few days before she passed all she could say was "I love you." She never forgot that she loved us, even when her brain was destroyed.

So... not all bad. But nothing awesome.

anyway, what brings me to LJ is extreme confusion and frustration:

I have an old friend from high school. She is married now and just had a baby. I attended her wedding. Helped move her into her new house, and attended her baby shower.  We don't chat except on facebook. No big deal, normal part of living. I know she with some frequeny visits her family who live not three miles from me, know she knows I live nearby and doesn't ask if I want to hang out. Again, no big deal. I don't blame her, and it truthfully does not bother me (well, not until I stopped taking my meds)

Two days ago she was in town for an event. She texts me to see if I'm at the thing she's at. I'm not but I am nearby. I say I'd love to see her and meet her new baby, just name the time. She never texts back. Two days later and still nothing.

So, the options are:
* she forgot completely despite my coupla texts.. this could be because she got busy and distracted, but for three days
* she decided she didn't want to see me afterall because I was too desperate? And it's easier for her to say nothing.
* ?????? an evil plot to make me feel even more worthless?

I just do not understand.

Current Location: living room
I am feeling:: sad sad
I claim to be listening to:: commercial

Be kind!
Changes since whenever my last post was...?

I don't remember the last post.

Bari is dead.  I miss him constantly.

I got a permanent position at the place I was temping at, and I have benefits now!
Still living in my parents' basement.

Currently working and watching the first episode of SNL -- please note that I do not like SNL, so I have absolutely no idea why I'm watching this.
I like the singers,
Billy Preston - Nothing from Nothing
* that suit is AWFUL, though.
Janis Ian - At 17
* I get irritated that such a pretty lady is singing about being ugly, but whatever, I guess.

Comedian bits are a bit heavy hitting.
Sketches? Not so good. Trojan Horse Home Security is pretty damn good.
Be kind!
Bari died today. 
2 acts of kindness , please Be kind!

My dad has type 2 Diabetes, and neuropathy from the calf down on both feet.

his foot...Collapse )

I am feeling:: furious

1 bit of kindness bestowed , please Be kind!
Not much to say... Currently unemployed and looking for jobs within 2 hours of Portsmouth NH. 

Just started trying to slog my way through Enterprise. Is it always going to be this dreadful? BLEGH! Starting Episode 4 now. I'll let you know. 

Be kind!
Have not updated my dear LJ in almost a year. I was going to wait until the full year had passed, to make it special in some way... but I got a new keyboard for Christmas and I very much enjoy typing on it. 

What has happened to me this year? 

Read more... if you dare!Collapse )

In other news, I'm doing an epic Watch of Old Doctor Who, and I'm almost at the 4th Doctor. Pretty cool,huh? I actually got quite attached to the first Doctor. Mmm-- Mmm? 
I've been fantasizing about making my own review site, doing it in a "new way," and such, but there are just so darned many of them nowadays, what would be the point? So I figure what I'll maybe do is write one every so often on LJ: I've got a bloody paid account, why not use the damned thing?

My New Year's Resolution is to stick to a schedule. Haven't made one yet, which is great because today's calendar had nothing on it, and that means I'm at a 100% success rate for the year! 

Current Location: The Dungeon (-;
I am feeling:: sleepy sleepy
I claim to be listening to:: Planet of the Daleks 2-6

2 acts of kindness , please Be kind!

I'm pretty sure I will actually update my dear beloved LJ within the next week, but right now I just have a quick request, as I have been given control over the Netflix DVD queue!


Please rec me some weird/obscure/totally awesome movies and/or TV shows for me to put on my list, and I promise to tell you what I thought of it!

PS: It's difficult to express in words how thankful I am that the first anti-depressant I tried worked, which is why I haven't been posting. How do I express the feeling of knowing my mood is being chemically altered (or that the Placebo affect worked on me)? It's not like I'm constantly giddy or puking rainbows; it's just that now, when I smile or laugh, I actually mean it.

Current Location: maah basement

4 acts of kindness , please Be kind!
Felix and I made it into the Valley Snooze, go us! He's even in there TWICE!

Made it to THREE Tuba Christmases this year! NYC was the best because I got to hang out with a good friend, and met some lovely tubists (not im the attractive sense). Next year, let's aim for FOUR!
1 bit of kindness bestowed , please Be kind!